Spirals is a Beater
by Atana
Summary: Slytherin House has a new Quidditch player - it's Severus Snape's best pal "Backbeat Spirals" to the rescue! A Snips and Spirals tale by Lady Tesser.


DISCLAIMER: This is not a one-shot. In fact, none of these are really one- shots, they're all interconnected. Once I figure out the connection, I'll let you know. Oh, yeah, Sev and Martis have a message - "Snips and Spirals rule, Marauders drool (literally)."  
  
-------------------- Snips and Spirals Fanfic: "Spirals is a Beater" Text by Lady Tesser --------------------  
  
Hell had frozen over.  
  
Incidentally, pigs are now flying and the Headmaster wears a Hawaiian shirt.  
  
Well, Dumbledore was not wearing one as the students could tell, but the other two were still up for debate.  
  
The school was ablaze with the news that Professor Penderdandis had placed Britomartis Vox on the Slytherin Quidditch team as a Beater.  
  
It must be understood that witches usually did not hold the position of Beater. In fact, only one other female in Hogwarts' history had successfully been a Beater for the whole time she was in school, and she went on to play in the Holyhead Harpies (Gwendolyn Morgan, who famously rebuffed a marriage proposal from the Heidelburg Harriers' captain by concussing him with her broom). It was a position that required upper-body strength and balance at once. Anyone who had ever seen Britomartis Vox run along the roof ledge with an armful of water balloons while targeting Marauders three stories below knew she had excellent balance, but they were not sure about strength.  
  
The other thing unbelievable about it was the fact that Slytherin NEVER had female players. Ever. The Slytherin Quidditch players exemplified the classic definition of 'brawny jock' - large, muscular, and rather stupid boys. Unfortunately, they knew more dirty tricks than a pack of Cornish pixies and knew ways of performing fouls without getting penalized.  
  
And they all talked like gorillas with laryngitis for some reason.  
  
Martis was not amused; the rest of her teammates were fourteen and over, and all drooled when anything remotely female came within their sight- range.  
  
After a few carefully applied kicks to groins, the team at least had the decency to not comment on her legs in front of her.  
  
Still. Many questioned the sanity of Professor Penderdandis for doing such a thing to his own House team. After all, this was Spirals, one half of the Snips and Spirals duo. Gods knew what she would do to her own teammates.  
  
The rest of the school was going to find out at the Gryffindor-Slytherin rematch that Saturday.  
  
* * *  
  
Severus Snape (Third-Year) was more nervous than he cared to admit. His Martis was going out there on the pitch with their low-brow team and the Gryffindor team with James Potter and Sirius Black - trapped between the oafs and the jerks.  
  
'His' Martis? Well, she was his best friend. His friend. His Martis.  
  
"I suppose," Lucius Malfoy (Fourth-Year) commented. "That you need a good seat to see your little friend play, correct?"  
  
Sev wrapped his scarf around his neck. "I think so."  
  
"Then you may sit with Miss Black and myself."  
  
'May'? 'May sit with'? Like he was some leper who was not contagious at the moment. 'May'??? Mr. Malfoy, did you study to be an arrogant ass or were you born that way?  
  
Sev suppressed the urge to strangle his roommate and instead replied, "No, thank-you, Lucius. I'll be fine."  
  
Lucius tossed his scarf over his shoulder. "See you in the stands, then."  
  
Sev watched him leave, then made a complex series of offensive hand gestures at the snobby boy's back. It was a good thing Martis' siblings were going to be with him. He could hid behind the outgoing Vox siblings and still cheer his head off for her.  
  
* * *  
  
Martis slammed her head down to her palm, disbelieving what she was hearing.  
  
"Spirals," the team captain and Chaser Onslow Daizer was saying. "Which part of 'knock the bloody hell out of them with the Bludger' do you not understand?"  
  
"I don't do fouls."  
  
"She don't do nothin' 'cept Snips," another member muttered. He found himself gasping from Martis' fingers in his solar plexus.  
  
"What was that?" she asked sweetly.  
  
"Nothin', miss."  
  
She removed her fingers and turned back to the Human Brick Wall known as Onslow. "As long as I protect your heads from the Bludgers, don't worry about it." She picked up her broom, a Nimbus 1000, and flicked her top- knot ponytail behind her, knocking one of the Chasers in the face with the end. "Are we done with the chit-chat?"  
  
Onslow shrugged. "Guess so." He and the Seeker Gareth Maudlin took the lead toward the exit while Martis and her Beater partner Ellington Gordon, a massive Sixth-Yearer with wild dredlocks, took up behind them and the rest of the Chasers (the three Woot brothers) and Keeper followed.  
  
The flaps opened and the Slytherin team flew out onto the pitch to the cheers of their housemates, their green robes fluttering in the headwind.  
  
The morning was clear and bright, the blue sky seeming to go on forever and forever. The air was cool, but the sun beating down on Martis' back gave her incentive to continue on with the madness.  
  
Madame Hooch gave her pointers to not freeze to death - wear long underwear, keep your armor and padding on tight, and the sweat from the adrenaline will allow you to ignore the cold.  
  
Martis curled her fingers around the neck of her broom, feeling the creaky leather gloves form more to her hands. She spiraled down the pitch, performing barrel rolls to the delight of Slytherin House. She straightened up and pushed her sunglasses back on her face, scanning the crowd for Sev.  
  
There he was, sitting in a corner of the stands with her four siblings - Adonia, Artemisia, Phaedra, and Kyros - all of the Ravenclaw Vox's given permission from Professor Flitwick to sit in the Slytherin stands with Sev.  
  
She smiled and turned over, gripping the broom with her thighs and waving at her family and best friend; her ponytail dropped straight down from her head and her robes threatened to envelope her.  
  
Her siblings waved back, whistling and yelling cheers in Minoan. Sev was grinning, waving back at her and jumping up and down, his long black hair getting in his face. He brushed his hair away and mouthed 'Good luck, Spirals!'  
  
She saluted him and stretched up to reach her broom - narrowly missing a speeding James Potter who evidently seemed to be aiming for the center of her back.  
  
Her robe flew up over her head and she quickly straightened back upright, slapping her robe aside.  
  
"Oops," Potter cried, smirking. "Missed."  
  
Martis grinned, pulling her bat out, flipping it in her hand, and catching it. "I won't, Jimmy-baby."  
  
He pushed his glasses up, licking his lip. "All right, Vox. If Slytherin wins, I'll treat you to anything you want at Honeyduke's."  
  
Martis raised an eyebrow. "Sounds good. Okay, if Gryffindor wins, I'll treat you to anything at Honeyduke's."  
  
He nodded, grinning. "Deal. Prepare to fork over a bundle."  
  
Sirius Black whipped by, his long black hair pulled back in a ponitail. "Quit gabbin' with the enemy, Prongs. Hey, Snake-Bitch, when Gryffindor wins, you'll have to call me 'Lord and Master'."  
  
"Eat - "  
  
Hooch's whistle blew and everyone gathered into the central area over the pitch, the Seekers closest to the referee. "All right," she intoned in rough seriousness. "I want a nice, clean game - " (the Slytherins smirked) " - and that means you, Slytherins!"  
  
They managed to look offended, except Martis who snorted a giggle.  
  
She tossed the Quaffle up.  
  
The Bludgers zoomed upward.  
  
And the Golden Snitch buzzed off.  
  
The players fell into their melee.  
  
* * *  
  
Adonia and Artemisia - sitting on each side of Sev - grasped him at once and shrieked in excitement. The Third-Year twins were in a few of his classes, and they usually quizzed him in making sure he was not abusing their baby sister. However, Sev was wondering who was going to save him from the twins' Quidditch Fever as they cheered on Martis.  
  
After all, being a thirteen-year-old boy squashed between twin blondes was a profoundly uncomfortable experience, what with the pounding in the ears and the sudden increase in temperature and the way those odd firm-soft spots pressed against him ...  
  
'Concentrate on the game, Snape!'  
  
Phaedra, a Fifth-Year Chaser for Ravenclaw, was the one screaming, "KICK GRYFFIE ASS, SIS!"  
  
Kyros was the only calm one, the Seventh-Year boy holding Medusa and grinning.  
  
The moment everyone waited for - could Britomartis Vox handle being a Beater?  
  
She swooped over her Seeker with her side to the incoming Bludger, slamming the bat into the iron ball with a cracking backhand hit, launching the Bludger into the ground below.  
  
The Vox's and Sev whooped their approval as the collective gasp of the other fans turned into a cheer.  
  
The Bludger created a crater a yard wide, shook itself, then shot back up into the fray.  
  
"Bloody brilliant!" Onslow yelled.  
  
"Of course it is," Martis snapped. "I performed it." She swung around and performed another backhand hit at a Bludger heading for a Chaser. This one nicked the top of James Potter's messy hair, making his hazel eyes fill up the area behind his lenses.  
  
"Holy - !"  
  
Martis grinned. "Nothing said about where the Bludger ends up, Potty- kins!"  
  
* * *  
  
In the faculty stands, Headmaster Dumbledore leaned close to Professor Penderdandis. "Gallo, how clever of you!"  
  
Penderdandis adjusted his pince-nez glasses. "I beg your pardon, sir?"  
  
"Your secret weapon - placing Britomartis Vox as an early-season replacement. About time you had some talented players."  
  
Penderdandis narrowed his eyes. "First-Years with talent are hard to find."  
  
Professor McGonagall scowled, seeing right through the Arithmancy instructor's pretenses. "Indeed."  
  
Professor Flitwick clapped his hands. "I do wish she had been sorted into my house! She and her sister Phaedra would have given Ravenclaw a chance at the Quidditch Cup!"  
  
Penderdandis snarled, "This Vox is mine, Flitwick!"  
  
The little man nodded, wiping his forehead with a kerchief. "Of course she is."  
  
Dumbledore leaned back, smiling, watching Penderdandis mentally whip himself for having his punishment on the girl backfire.  
  
* * *  
  
The line of Gryffindor Chasers and Beaters flew into the Hawkshead Attacking Formation, Sirius Black at the head of the arrow and holding the Quaffle, ready to toss it if Slytherin Chasers got too close.  
  
Martis twitched in mid-air, gaining the attention of a Bludger which zoomed after her. She zipped over the heads of the Gryffindors and placed herself between them and her Keeper Fearghus Flynn.  
  
The Bludger shot down toward her. Positioning her black to the opposing team, she swung her bat out at the Bludger - which caught Black in the gut, which caused him to drop the Quaffle and crash back into the two Chasers behind him, which started a chain reaction of Chasers and Beaters crashing into each other and falling to the pitch.  
  
One of the Woot brothers snatched the Quaffle and headed to the opposite side.  
  
"My God!" the announcer cried. "Vox had pulled a Backbeat Bludger on the entire Gryffindor team save for their Keeper and Seeker! 'Backbeat Spirals' has a backhand on her you won't believe!"  
  
"Maudlin!" Martis shrieked. "Get the bloody Snitch - to your right!"  
  
"Oh, right!" the Slytherin Seeker agreed, diving after the zipping walnut- sized ball.  
  
Gryffindor's Seeker was slightly too busy being chased by the other Bludger to bother chasing after the Snitch.  
  
The rest of the Slytherin team took advantage of the injured Gryffindors by slamming goal after goal, making the Gryffindor Keeper quite frazzled.  
  
The Bludger that Martis had slammed zoomed back up and began chasing after her. She stood her broom upright in mid-air, balanced on the brush-knot with one foot, and sent it in another backhanded hit away from Maudlin's general direction.  
  
The scream of victory from Slytherin's stands made Martis turn around and see Gareth Maudlin holding up the Golden Snitch as he performed a broom victory dance in the air.  
  
"Slytherin wins!" the announcer cheered. "With the capture of the Golden Snitch by Maudlin and a surprise performance by 'Backbeat Spirals'!"  
  
Martis and her teammates swooped around the pitch; the guys howling like gorillas and Martis just grinning as she relished the wild cheering by her siblings and best friend. Her pride was cut short by the look of complete coldness on her House Master's thin face.  
  
* * *  
  
Outside the pitch, the Slytherins surrounded their team and hoisted Maudlin up on their shoulders. The rowdier ones hollered their victory while the more intelligent of the lot quietly congratulated Martis on her attack. Still others ignored her in contempt of her breaking Slytherin tradition with her gender.  
  
Narcissa Black flicked her blonde hair back as she commented, "Nice playing, even if you did act like a wild animal for the most part."  
  
"That's the nicest backhanded compliment you ever gave me, Black," Martis replied. "I suppose some of us have to be the Gladiators to entertain the drooling masses."  
  
Lucius Malfoy raised an eyebrow. "Yes, Britomartis, I suppose there must be the slaves in the Acropolis and the freemen in the stands."  
  
Both walked off as Martis pushed the tip of her nose up at them and said, "It's the Colosseum, you uneducated ponce."  
  
She was pulled into a free-for-all group hug by her siblings, the twins screeching their excitement and Phaedra whooping with pride while Kyros rubbed her head and draped Medusa around her shoulders.  
  
"You know you're the real hero of the game," Adonia told her.  
  
"Exactly," Artemisia added. "Those big dumb jocks wouldn't last a second with the bulls!"  
  
Phaedra became serious. "You know, Martis, when Ravenclaw and Slytherin play, one of us will have to sit out."  
  
"I don't mind," Martis answered. "The less time around those gorillas the better. Where's Snips?"  
  
Sev pushed his way past a sibling and grinned. "Congratulations, Spirals!"  
  
She hugged him tight. "Thanks, Snips. It was the support team that made the difference."  
  
Kyros rolled his eyes, smirking. "Sure, sure. It was the fact Xenia put you on iron pumping detail whenever you got mad."  
  
"That, too," Martis agreed.  
  
Black and Potter walked up and offered their hands.  
  
"Good game," Black said as he reluctantly shook. "You killed my back, Vox."  
  
"We aim to please." She shook Potter's hand. "Tomorrow at Honeyduke's, then?"  
  
Potter nodded, gripping her hand. "You're one mean Beater; I'll be looking out for you when we play again."  
  
He released her hand and both boys turned, although Black took the opportunity to slam the head of his broom into Sev's nose, smirking as he did so.  
  
Sev and Martis' wands discreetly snapped out, aiming them toward the closest target on Black's body - his crotch.  
  
After the Marauders were out of earshot, Martis grinned. "What did you put on him?"  
  
"Glued his underpants to him. You?"  
  
"Itching hex."  
  
The Vox's giggled among themselves.  
  
"Great Mother!" Artemisia exclaimed. "You are nasty, Snape!" She smiled sweetly. "Wanna go to the next school dance with me? I'll even let you kiss me first."  
  
He blushed up to his hairline and hid behind his hair. Martis sighed. "Stop doing that, sis, he embarrasses easily. He's extremely British."  
  
Artemisia sighed. "But it's fun making them blush!"  
  
Phaedra headsmacked her. "You'll chase anything with a thingie, won't you?"  
  
"I don't see you pausing to check for quality!"  
  
Professor Penderdandis approached the group, staring down at his Slytherin Vox and looking all the world like he was going to drink somebody's blood. "Miss Vox, may I speak to you when you can spare a moment of your precious time?"  
  
Martis nodded. "Yes, sir."  
  
"In my office, then."  
  
He walked off and the rest of the clan stared after him. "Great Mother," Kyros remarked. "He's Mr. Sunshiney-Happy-Butterfly."  
  
The rest burst into giggles, hoping the Slytherin House Master did not hear them.  
  
* * *  
  
Martis entered the office of Professor Gallo Penderdandis. "You wished to see me, House Master?"  
  
He looked up from his gradebook and stared down his thin nose at her. "Indeed. Please shut the door, Britomartis."  
  
She did so and stood before his desk as he sat up and tented his fingers. "Miss Vox, I'm taking you off the Slytherin team."  
  
She stared at him, blinking, feeling ... betrayed. Yes, that definitely a feeling of betrayal. She pushed her sunglasses up and pressed her lips into a straight line. "Why?"  
  
"Mr. Dearling will be well enough for the next game. He regained consciousness this morning. Your temporary position of Beater is over."  
  
Martis strangled the urge to use her bat on Penderdandis' huge forehead. "You saw what I did out there!"  
  
"Yes. And everyone assumes I did it on purpose, that I knew about this hidden talent of yours." He slammed his palms down on the desk, leaning forward. "This was meant to be your punishment, Miss Vox!"  
  
"Madame Hooch wanted me to be on the team, anyway!" Martis retorted.  
  
He leapt up from his seat, his nose within an inch of hers. "You are suspended from the team - "  
  
"SIR!"  
  
" - until next year's tryouts." He pulled back, his beady dark eyes crinkling up into a smirk. "After all, we have formalities to go through."  
  
Martis stood in shock, her mouth opening and closing a few times. Finally, she blurted, "Huh?" What the Avernus just happened?!"  
  
Penderdandis folded his arms, his blue robes settling around his thin body. "I fully intend to have you on the Slytherin team next year. However, this year's roster is already filled and you have only had a crash course in Quidditch as opposed to any real practice, so you are still wet behind the ears. Your Guardian Idiot in charge of Dumb Luck was working overtime today - I expect actual skill when I watch your tryouts next year."  
  
"This is grossly unfair, sir," Martis muttered.  
  
"So it may be, but Madame Hooch agrees with me on this." He raised an eyebrow. "Do you agree to tryout for next year? Or will you drop the whole thing? Much as I hate to admit it, I know you'll help in winning the Quidditch Cup for Slytherin."  
  
"Well, with all due respect, sir, if you want to win the Cup, then get people on the team with working brains rather than dense skulls."  
  
"I'll ignore your smartarse opinions and dismiss you."  
  
She turned to the door and opened it as she said, "These gorilla-idiots are the reason Slytherin hasn't won the Quidditch Cup in twenty years. And whether you admit it or not, you know I'm right. Good night."  
  
She heard a potion jar shatter against the door behind her as it closed. She shrugged and brushed dust from the door off her uniform. "'Ice Cold' Penderdandis throws fits, what a surprise. To whom, I don't know."  
  
Martis made her way back to the Slytherin common room where the rest of the team was leading the victory party. Some of the older student had instruments out and were playing some heavy-beat noise she had heard from tourists on Crete. A punchbowl was on a table and some unidentified bottles were being passed around.  
  
She located Sev hanging out on the entry-way of a staircase and she sat next to him.  
  
"Does it normally get like this after a victory?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah," he answered. "And we lose house points because of it. Last year's first victory resulted in several hangovers and missing clothes."  
  
"Where's the House Mother?"  
  
"Pretending to be asleep so she doesn't have to deal with it. Penderdandis is going to stay in his office, so nobody worries about them. It's only the protection spells they have to worry about."  
  
Martis smirked. "Anybody gets too friendly and 'zap'?"  
  
"Pretty much. Evan Ryper got zapped when he kissed Bellatrix Black last year. Of course, she got most of the damage because she was ... well ... trying to do something else." He looked up as punch was being poured, smoke swirling out of the bowl. "Oh, careful what you drink here."  
  
"So what do you do during these things?"  
  
"Go up to my room and study." He grinned, hesitantly reaching over and squeezing her hand. "I'm proud of you, Spirals. You made it on the team and won a game for us - "  
  
"Snips." She took her hand away. "Penderdandis suspended me from the team."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"He and Madame Hooch say I'm not ready. They'll consider me again when I try out next year."  
  
"That's stupid! You were bloody brilliant out there!"  
  
"He thinks it was Dumb Luck."  
  
Sev muttered something indistinct about Penderdandis, a gnome, a horse, and a puffskein.  
  
"Snips, don't worry about it. It's not that important."  
  
"Yes, it is." He turned to her, brushing hair out of his mouth. "You're the best thing that the team could hope for. As soon as everyone saw you play, there was hope that we could get the Quidditch Cup this year." He slammed his fist into his thigh. "As soon as everyone hears this - "  
  
"Nobody will," she informed him. "They'll find out on their own. By then, it won't matter." She stretched. "I need to get out of this uniform and into a hot bath, I feel icky." She handed the bat to him. "Wanna keep this until next year?"  
  
Sev accepted the magically-enhanced bat and ran his hand over the wood and metal. "Sure, but you need to sign it."  
  
She laughed, pulling her wand out and carving on the bat: 'Backbeat Spirals'  
  
"Going to stick with that nickname?" he asked as he took it back.  
  
"Only when on the Quidditch team." She lay her head on his shoulder. "I'm going to Honeyduke's with Potter tomorrow to get my bet winnings."  
  
"Want me to come with you to make sure he behaves?"  
  
"I trust him by himself. If he starts acting like a jerk, I'll just scream 'rape'. Anything you want from the sweet shop?"  
  
"Divinity," he answered quickly. "If it's not too much trouble."  
  
"On Jimmy Potter's tick. He's going to pay out the nose for Divinity and Cornish Pixy Stix." She grinned and hugged him. "Thanks for everything, Snips."  
  
He hugged her in return. "You stink. Take a bath."  
  
She stuck her tongue out at him and hopped up, taking the stairs up to her rooms.  
  
No more Quidditch this year. Which meant no more freeze-face for the year.  
  
At this point in time, this was all right. Although she was now addicted to Quidditch, and she was going to make damned sure she will get on the team next year.  
  
Besides, somebody needs to keep Sirius Black's nasty butt in line.  
  
* * *  
  
The next morning, there were indeed several hangovers. House points were not taken due to the fact that Professor Penderdandis woke up in the middle of the common room, minus HIS clothes, and with an inflatable sheep wearing a sign saying 'You'll lose the Quidditch Cup this year for sure. Idiot.'  
  
As one, every single Slytherin sang out, "We had nothing to do with this, sir!"  
  
Martis had slept in and knew nothing about this.  
  
Sev said nothing.  
  
-End- 


End file.
